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Family Problems and the Buddhist Response By Bhikkhu Thien Minh (Ven. Suvijjo) Family is an eternal subject, not only concerned with the religion but also with the outside Society. Many specialists take great interest to search out the responses to this problem. Family is also a subject, which can enrich and diversify literature, painting and poetry etc. Speaking of the family is to speak about the male and female relationship, about the Yin and Yang law i.e. negative and positive, light and dark, sun and moon etc. (two Principles of Chinese Philosophy) about the man’s firmness as well as the woman’s gentleness, about the mutual love of man and woman, which is accepted by the law (or the parents’ agreement.) That is the family. The family’s result is the children, its nature is the happiness and its enemy is separation and the divorce. We are going to go through with this short talk about the family problems and the Buddhist response, grouped in two questions: the happy Family and the ill-fated family. I. The Happy Family Let’s look at the beautiful flowers’ pot, with lot of blooming flowers. We can see the beauty and the loveliness of the flowers. That’s just an ordinary matter. But if we look at the blooming flowers with a chain of causes and effects, certainly we shall see the gardeners all days taking care of those flowers, with the rays of light and the rain drops down or the daily irrigation on them etc….The same a happy family must acquired many causes and conditions for it. First of all is the morality, we have to respect ourselves. to have sufficient goods, to have lot of docile children….in this part we’ll deal with some necessary principles to build up the family happiness. I.1. the Morality: to build a multi stories building, architect should design a solid and proper foundation for this building. So too the happy family should be based on the moral foundation. Here the morality is the human morality itself and the social one, which is established. The life and the work should be properly adjusted to them and to the society itself. The Buddha has stimulated the morality of the Buddhists, which should be based on five precepts as follow: No killing: we shouldn’t absolutely take part in killing, we should show generosity towards even the smallest living beings. No stealing: we shouldn’t absolutely take anything of anybody not given to us. No unlawful sexual intercourse: Absolutely we should not know with the opposite sex which is protected by the family and the society. No lying: We shouldn’t absolutely speak wrong speech against the truth, which can bring puzzle to everybody. No use of intoxicants: we shouldn’t absolutely take the intoxicants which can diminish our memory, and blind our body. With the Buddha’s point of views, five precepts mentioned above are enough to build up a happy family. If husband and wife possesses these five precepts as taught by the Buddha in his Sutta they would become the fairy man live together with fairy woman. If the wife observe the precepts and the husband doesn’t, it is just like the fairy woman live together with the demon. The Buddha taught that a man without morality and precepts is similar to demon, for his mind and body reveal cruelty, wickedness and the grossness. When one take the intoxicant, he could do lot of the unwholesome deeds and ghostlike. Alcohol can spoil the remained precepts. And collapse the moral foundation of the family and bring about separation and divorce. Most of the young man ungrateful to one's parents originated from the intoxicants. For this reason if we want to safeguard our happy family we should try our best to keep hold these five precepts. For our family is our happiness as well as of our children and their future. I. 2. To Sow Lot of Wholesome Deeds Apart from building up a happy family, five precepts just mentioned obove are used to cultivate the wholesome qualities in this life and in the next. As Buddha taught in the Dhammapada: avoid unwholesome deeds, and do wholesome deeds in the stead, guard your mind pure. That the Buddha’s words. Here doing good deeds is precisely to accumulate the merits, do wholesome deeds, to live responsibly with each others. We should be grateful to our parents, take care of and support them. Towards the Society we should fulfil the duty of a citizen.Towards Dhamma path we should practice Dhamma, giving alms , making offerings to ascetics and to Brahmins, protecting dhamma, meditation, respectfulness, making services, rejoicing in others’ merits and happiness, transference of merits, listening to Dhamma, improving the vision. These are ten duties hepling improving merits in the Pali Canon taught by Buddha. Here’s a Vietnames saying: “Try your best to practice good deeds, if not for this life, let do it for the next.”. In the Feng Shui (the science of winds and watters) saying: “First accumulate merit then find out dragon”. In the astrology saying: ‘The diligence wins the fate, the respecfulness terrifies demons.” In the school: “Study manners first and then learn to read and write” etc... in all these fields we are exhorted to sow wholesome deeds. Why so? For every deeds of ours cause results. Sow good causes we reap good results. Whereas sow evil deeds we reap unwholesome results. If you do lot of good deeds automatically you would have a happy family. You would have good children and grateful grandchildren, everything will be all right as your wish. Whereas do much evil deeds you have to suffer much and corrupt your children. Ordinarily we hear about luckiness in our work, in our love and in our family…. Here luckiness exactly the good livelihood, precious merits, good qualities, good merits. Likewise a happy family is synonymous with good deeds, good words and good mind. I.3. Duties and Responsibility Prosperous society and developed one ought to have its laws and often meeting. In the arm force, discipline and responsibility are the utmost. A happy family ought to have its own duty and responsibility towards each member inside it. Between husband and wife, children and their parents. Deprived of this duty and responsibility bring to hopelessness and fed up of it.. there is a Vietnamese saying: ‘amour is only beautiful while it not yet achieved. Life less joy while the oath has been done.” When you are married, you live together, your true natures were shown up, that brings words and deeds not as beautiful as you wish while you still in love with each others. In these situations, you should prepare yourselves to carry out your duty and your responsibility with each others. For deed is better than words. In the Singala Buddha taught us the duties and responsibilities as follow: a. Duties of Children towards their Parents
b. Duties of Parents towards their children.
c. Husband’s Duties towards his wife
d. Wife’s duties towards her husband.
The Buddha taught us by these words more than 25 centuries ago. Certainly some of you would consider them as too backward, however if you indifferently applied them in your life you could find them efficacious abnormal and wonderful. For its contents and meanings in the duties and responsibilities between parents towards children, between wife and husband, we feel to close and practical in our life nowadays. It seems that your should not lack any of those duties and responsibilities Apart from duties the happiness of your family will fated away, you wouldn’t feel a warm family, the atmosphere in your family becomes tense. That is why you should take them as your talisman, your miracles for a happy family. In Short, responsibility and duties towards your wife: that are love, support and loyalty to each others. Towards your children, birth, feeding, educating, you should always keep in mind your children are your own happiness. Towards the Society, human beings, you should build a good society through your family. Towards Dhamma path you should be sincere, faithful, confident in the Three Gems, these are very useful to the Dhamma path and to the nation. I.4. Forbearance, Diligence and Sympathy:. A happy family should acquired useless: the supported love, a warm nest to live in, a companion in life to support each others. The children are our Joyce in our old age and a firm economical condition. The difficulties appear only when we lack this true familial love. Lack of the harmony within ourselves, without the knowledge about the marriage, without the morality and without goodwill towards each others. The secrets of a happy family composed of the forbearance, diligence and sympathy. Forbearance: there is a folk saying: ‘when your husband gets angry, you should diminish your words, as you should diminish fire when your rice pot get boiled.” If the wife applies this saying certainly you hold firm your family happiness in your hand. Statistically speaking most of the separation and divorce taken place are due to the disrespectful attitude, which bring out hate and doubt. With hatred mind we could carry out any thing, such as burn out the house, to abuse each others, to tear out the matrimonial contract and many other evil deeds. The ancients taught us: “When you do not yet beat someone, you could get angry terribly, but after the battle you got terrified more terribly. So when you feel trouble in your family; remember the above verse. Hoping everything will be well settled. With little forbearance wind stops blow and the wave calm down. Set back a step before vast sea and under high sky. Diligence: a marvelous quality in the life of the family, apart from it life become tasteless. By nature we are diligent. Our enemy is cowardice. A happy family within that the husband and wife know how to be diligent and united in working, they should know how to offer their part to build up their happiness, to urn their living, to contribute their strength, their knowledge, to build a happy family in all sides. There should be goodwill to love our parents, and our siblings etc.. . .without discrimination. Accept the love diligently and impartially and offer it likewise. Accept the service and offer it to everybody. In the same time we should be grateful to our parents, trustful to our life partner and helpful to our siblings. That is why you should practice this diligence in your matrimonial life. Those who is diligent are loved by their parents. Wife and husband treat each others sympathetically, and respected by our relatives. And this is the first lesson to our children in the school of family. II. The ill-fated family The ill-fated family is a family loosing the capacity to get love, children, economy, goods and other physical and psychological conditions.... the shortcoming of this family is without happiness due to the wrong choice of its partner and characters of the two partners in this family. For the dissimilarity in physiology, the uninspired or mediocre life is brought about due to a long time living together without knowing how to refresh the love within the two partners. Lack of delicateness, of duties towards each other or the bad characters of one of two now shown of. Due to untrustful or tricked marriage. The results of this ill-fated family is this: there is no happiness and no joy, disheartedness reigns everywhere and duties fall into oblivion, disastrous in goods and personal belongings are demolished in the ravage of anger. Partners try to forget each others by indulging in debauched dissipation, gambling, drinking which can get lost of all human qualities, being short of the responsibility towards their children, which could bring them to future corruption. In this part we are going to analyse some ill fated subject in the family find out the responses of Buddhism. II.1. The Children’s Unlucky Fate: There are children born handicapped, heteromorphic, ugly, short – span, unhealthy, mentally deficient. . . that is the fate of the new born children, but that is a great misfortune to their parents too. There are lot of broken families due to this misfortune. Why so that? In the Majjhima-Nikaya the Buddha taught us as follow: those who suffer handicapped, heteromorphic are due in previous life they’eve beaten and maltreated beings. Those who are ughy, are due in previous life they didn’t make offerrings of clothes to the poors, didn’t offer robes to the Ascetics and to the Brhamins. Those who are of short life-span are due in the previous life they’ve committed killing. Those who are unhealthy are due in the previous life they’ve maltreated beings and those who are mentally deficient are due in previous life they didn’t approached with the learned men and misused too much the intoxicants. The Buddhism teaches us to believe in the wholesome and unwholesome Karma (action or deeds) it is this karma itself will lead us to good or evil rebirth. As in this saying: “We all go with our own karma, but we make it good or evil for ourselves.” That is why we want to avoid the above shortages to our children, from till now and here we should guard our body, words and mind not to be defiled by those above unhuman karma. II. 2. Separation and Divorce: Separation is a situation the two matrimonial parners still have a common life or saparated each other, but they stop helding marriage relationship, especilly the law does not intervene yet. Dislike the the Separation, the law has intervene in the the divorce to abolish the marriage contract, and the two partners are free before the law. Nowadays the separation and the divorse are much widspread in the world as well as in Vietnam. At Ho Chi Minh City and Hanoi, the Capital they are up to 30% among the couples and in the world somewhere up to 50%. Statically speaking, the separation and the divorse increasing yearly and no ways to lessen. The causes originate this situation is as follow: too early marriage, no sufficient stability in psychology, selfish and fercious characters,low enomical situation. Due to the parents, friends influence too far in the family affairs. Some dificulties on the part of the children, modiorcre health and knowledge about the marriage, and most of all lacking of a strong morality. The results are these: Psychologically they have to suffer distress, despair, discourage and no joy or pleasure in the life. Moralically lack of responsibility and sometimes it ends up with defidelity. In the working, failure in the work. Not ardent in work, debauchee, wasting of money and time. About the prestige, lost prestige with the family and society. As regard to the family, corrupted children, lack of taking care of and instruct them, they used to become wanderers and street boys. According to the statics of the interpol Police, most of the criminals on the worlds are children from the separated and divorced family. The Methods to overcome all these shortcomings: High Awareness and Responsibility. We should have the necessary knowledge of our marriage and family. Make good research before the decision, we should not be too much intolerant, we should bring the smile to our family, with generosity and altruistic joy. The most important thing is that we should be trustworthy in our love. The Buddha taught us long ago that: Those who were less fortunate in love because that is the ripening result of our unlawful sexual relationship in our previous life or in this life too. Unlawful sexual relationship is destruction of our family condition and happiness of others even we should not commit unlawful sexual intercourse in words and in mind. That is why all of you should pledge not to commit unlawful sexual intercourse. II.3. Family lack of education: The corrupted children are faults of their parents. It is the visual sign of the children of the family shorted of education. Without respectfulness of the order and morality. Disrespecful towards their parents. Lack of delicate, too proud, too obstinate, thinking very little about the future, destroy to order of the family. From those results above mentioned it is very easy to lead up to social evils such as stealing, robbery, muggling, killing, narcotics addicted and indulgence in sexual action. The Methods to overcome all these shortcomings: With regards to the family, we should consolidate the life and the happiness of the family. Parents should be an example to the children. With regards to the society: reform the school education, strengthen the teachers with enough pedagogical means and morality give prominence to morality and human nature. Skilful control of all kinds of alien cultures and mass media to avoid defilements and poisons, to deal properly with violaters. As regarding Dhamma Path, lead your children to take refuge in Three Germs and practice five precepts, encourage your children to take part in the Buddhist families. II.4. Abortion and Contraception. These two problems are too modern. First of all let’s give a short definition: What is abortion? Abortion is destroy the embryo in the mothers’ womb. By means of the spiral or coil. Attraction to regulate menstruation. Use the abortifacient (pill) scrape the embryo and pierce the embryo. What is the contraception? Contraception is to prevent the ovum fertilized meet with the sperms. Temporary contraception: ejaculation outside the cervical womb or uterus. Use of condom, cover the cervical uterus with soft plastic membrane. Take pills. Perpetual contraception: cut off the male or female seminal duct. Cut off the ovary. We see two above problems but only the abortion is worthy mention of. Abortion is synonymous with killing. In the Buddhism killing has 5 ways: kill conscious being, try to kill, attempt to kill die for oneself (kill oneself) and suicide. The result of abortion is unhealthy, shorten life-span, obsession and the feeling of an invisible follows us all the time. The Righteous Buddhists should try their best to avoid abortion, in the stead we just try to prevent pregnancy. In order to decrease the abortion rate, we the Buddhist should practice the precepts, especially the third precepts to be chaste and pure in body, live up to the right speech, right action and right livelihood. Simultaneously we should know clearly the schedule of conception according to the menstrual cycle. The ordinary menstrual cycle lasts from 28 days to 30 days. – after 14 days ovulation takes place. Like this: If your menstrual cycle lasts for 28 days then the ovulation takes place at the fourteenth day from the beginning of your menstrual cycle of the previous month (28-14=14). If your menstrual cycle lasts for 30 days then the ovulation takes place at the fifteenth day from the beginning of your menstrual cycle of the previous month (30-14= 16) Ovulation |-------------------------------|---------------x-----------------|------------------------------------| 1→ safe days ←12 unsafe 14 days 16→ safe days ←28 II. 5. Homosexuality: Today this problem is widespread abnormally. In the Oriental region the matter is still a little pit covered. But in the Occidental region some countries accepted homosexuals to live together and they are protected by the law. In the Sutta we heard of the sex-migration’s story of Soreyya from male to female and from female to male, and each time he married and have had lot of children. After that he went forth into the homeless life and attained the goal of Dhamma Path. Newspapers also reported many cases of sex-migration from male to female and vice versa. Even in many countries operations are carried out for sex-migration. The main problem of this part is this: how can we treat with the homosexual if it happens to appear inside the temple gate? Why is there the homosexual in our society? What is the remedy of this problem? If the homosexual does appear inside the temple’s first of all we should use good words to admonish him or her. If he or she does not change his or her way of life, he or she should be expelled from the Sangha. For this matter is against the sanghadisesa discipline (or this is a matter of Sanghadisesa Discipline). It’s noteworthy here if he or she could be continued inside the temple’s gate a bad influence would be widespread within the Sangha! Whereas if it’s the case of the Abbot of the Sangha himself is a victim of the homosexual disease. What’s way to deal with this situation? He should be brought to the Sangha, or else connect with www. Botay.com. What’s the reason of this homosexual disease? Most probably our food contained to much chemical substance, the influence of films shows and other depraved unwholesome mass culture, may be he has an inhibited life of feelings in the temple. What’s the remedy to this problem? With goodwill each case has its particular remedy for itself. For it’s a mental disease so first the psychological remedies should be applied properly: The patient should find out for himself a teacher, the physical exercises such as gymnastics for the advanced in age, yoga and mindfulness meditation could help a lot. The patient should really find out the dangers, the blamable, disgraced and without future situation this disease could affect himself and make a firm determination to avoid this vice. In short the family has strong relation with our happiness and our ill-fate. All these two are man made. That is why the main problem which we are dealing from the very beginning is precisely connected with the “human being”. So all problems will be settled with the education, with the necessary amendments, and other practices of this human being himself. To build up a solid happiness in our family we should: - absolutely treat each others with proper justice, show up the generosity in every situations-create and keep firmly the atmosphere in mutual affection. We should avoid at any cost to create losses to anybody. Keep in good relation with other members of the family The ill-fated family is partly originated from the relation of husband and wife with the surrounding people.
Finding out the causes of the family’s happiness and íts ill-fate, all Buddhists should try our best to maintain it for our family itself for our own happiness, for the happiness of our children as well as of the society. My best wishes to you all for a real happy family.
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